Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'
'That fellow is traveling through,' said the farmer, 'needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn.' The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'
'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Lighten Up! - 117 -The World's Shortest Books
BLACKS I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING by Tiger Woods
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson &Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J.. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE ..... by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy
BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by Rev. Jesse Jackson
COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY! by Nancy Pelosi
Lighten Up! - 116 - A true Scot
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Lighten Up! - 115 - Adice from a retired husband.
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
;
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
RON
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
;
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
RON
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Sports - A rare comment
I have avoided commenting on sports here from the beginning. It's a bit boring after all - you read so many daft comments on Yahoo! Sports pages. Having said that, I am going to allow myself a moan:
Whilst the Anelka goal against ROI in Dublin was a rub of the green as Given was helpless to cover the deflection, the Henry 'assist' tonight was a downright case of theft. As a (former) admirer of Henry I was disappointed to say the least. FIFA has got France through to South Africa (although their late decision to seed the playoffs didn't work for Russia) but FIFA are not doing themselves nor the game any favours. UEFA - and yes I am talking about smoke-filled rooms like it was with heavyweight boxing decades ago - made sure there was not a second, consecutive Man Utd - Chelsea Champions League final in May and in similar fashion if the French couldn't do it on their own - the FIFA big boys would help if the French could conjure up half a chance. Blatter and his up-coming successor (a French man) HAD to make sure the French qualified.
Job done, Messieurs, but you should hang your heads in shame.
Moan over.
Whilst the Anelka goal against ROI in Dublin was a rub of the green as Given was helpless to cover the deflection, the Henry 'assist' tonight was a downright case of theft. As a (former) admirer of Henry I was disappointed to say the least. FIFA has got France through to South Africa (although their late decision to seed the playoffs didn't work for Russia) but FIFA are not doing themselves nor the game any favours. UEFA - and yes I am talking about smoke-filled rooms like it was with heavyweight boxing decades ago - made sure there was not a second, consecutive Man Utd - Chelsea Champions League final in May and in similar fashion if the French couldn't do it on their own - the FIFA big boys would help if the French could conjure up half a chance. Blatter and his up-coming successor (a French man) HAD to make sure the French qualified.
Job done, Messieurs, but you should hang your heads in shame.
Moan over.
Soi LK Metro - November News
The former Curries (Indian Restaurant) as reported here before has now been sold.
It will open in a few days as Kebab King - run by a bloke called Alan I believe.
More as and when I know.
It will open in a few days as Kebab King - run by a bloke called Alan I believe.
More as and when I know.
Lighten Up! - 114 - Confession
An oldie but a goodie...
AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Time Machine!
Barak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. The both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existant, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
Gordon thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.
"Come on Gordon" says Barak, "What does it say"
Gordon replies.
"I can't tell ! Its all in Arabic!"
"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existant, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
Gordon thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.
"Come on Gordon" says Barak, "What does it say"
Gordon replies.
"I can't tell ! Its all in Arabic!"
"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". . . and be ready for Thailand
In order to continue getting-by in Thailand, we need to learn English the way it is spoken. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes. . .
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service today. . . . . .
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees.
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service. "
Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees. . . morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh. . . . . Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs. "
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ". . . . . What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?. . . Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. . Scrambled, please. "
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine. "
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I. . . . Don't think so. . "
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means. "
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!. . . Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'. . .
Fine. . . Yes, an English muffin will be fine. "
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side. "
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter. . . Just put the butter on the side. "
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy. . . tea. . meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please. . . And that's everything. "
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy . . . Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say. "
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts. "
Guest: "You're welcome"
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